Bad Mom

Do you ever hear mothers say these super sweet things about being a mom and how much they love it, and then in response have no point of connection to those words or ideas? Yeah me too.

To set the record straight, I legit love my kids. And I do my very best every single day to raise them into well rounded, compassionate, and outraged individuals (by outraged I mean at the system). I want them to be free thinkers, and high fliers. I commit about 85% of my overall energy to them and our home. I cannot undue to fact that I have children, nor would I given the chance. As much as I struggle on the daily with being a mom I do love the ways I have grown and learned since entering motherdom, and I do love these little people that are constantly yelling at me.

But when I hear people who talk about loving being a mother I can just not identify. Like holy fuck, this is sooooo hard! It is a constant choice to put their needs before my own, until it becomes to much and I get frustrated and we all end up crying.

Or mothers who found their life calling when their children were born. I had a full on epic life before these minions showed up and I had to sacrifice all the to before the semi-decent mother I am now. I was this world changing rock star. Now I am a snack bitch.

And when I am not with my kids, I revel in the glory of freedom! It takes a legitimate amount of time to want to go back to them, like days. When I go out to see my friends, I make the most of it and behave in a way that I never would when my kids are around. Work hard, play hard. To be clear my younger 20 something self would tell me I am not playing hard, but let me have this illusion of grandeur.

I even remember when I was pregnant with my first born I had a friend who was also pregnant who looooooved being pregnant. One day she was talking about what a gift it is to be able to carry life and all I wanted to do was push her over. Which clearly I did not do.

I know I yell at my kids sometimes, besides my best efforts not to. I know that I fall short of my own expectations every single day. I know others around me judge me for either being to strict, or for my hippy dippy ways. I know that I need a lot of time to meet my personal needs or I just don’t have the energy I need to be present and pleasant. I know that I curse, dress unprofessionally, and take herbal supplements just to deal with the reality of my life with three small kids. I know that I am a bad mom.

And I am OK with all of these things.

Its OK to be any kind of mom that you need to be. If I need to be a bad mom but am true to myself in the process without self shame or judgement I am doing my best job. And I am freeing other moms to be bad moms. We can validate each other lift each other up. We are not mean moms, or scary moms or whatever else moms. We are just moms doing our best. And as long as we are each aware of our shortcomings and defects and are consciously striving to be the best versions of ourselves each day that is the most we can do for ourselves, our kids, and each other.

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