It’s mothers day, and I must say as I sit here and look at all these mothers posting pictures with their kids on social media, I have to think that I have figured the system out.
Here is the deal I already spend every freaking day with my kids. We homeschool, and work from home. So we are all together 24/7. So when mother’s day rolls around the last thing I want to do is spend the day with my kids.
Instead I got up early to the excited sounds of my family preparing things for me, got stabbed in the eye with a crown, and then blurry eyed opened my cards and gifts. Which by the way were all lovely.
And then at 8am I got in the car, and drove an hour to work, to teach yoga for 2 hours. At which point I went to a lovely cafe and got myself a coffee and muffin. To then go kayaking and crash a mothers day lunch that was not my own, before getting in the car and driving the hour back home to arrive in time to read my children some stories and eat a stellar dinner my husband spent the whole day making. Actually let the record show the man technically spent three days making it, if you count the braising and smoking of the pork for the tamales.
So as I sit here in the bliss of self indulgence I will say this: I have become recently aware that I am on the ending cusp of having little babes in the home. And it pulls on my heart strings a bit. Sure it’s all well and good to high tail it out of the house one day a year, but I am painfully aware that soon these little heathens will no longer be glommed to my side all hours of the day.
It started a few weeks ago. My youngest aged 3 fell asleep in my bed and I went to move her to her own bed so me and my husband could ya know *wink. As I was carrying her she started to squirm and so I rocked her and sang to her gently before putting her down. And instead of my usual annoyance at once again doing this thing I have literally done thousands of times I though”Awwww this won’t happen many more times.” I shifted from annoyance to appreciation. I realized in that moment that while there was a period of time that I was literally doing this for three kids, it had turned to an intermittent occurrence with one child. I now profoundly understand why the baby of the family, is always the baby.
Because when our third child was born, we had 3, 3 and under. We have been in a perpetual state of babaydom for the past few years and we are just now starting to shift out of it in an epic way. I say epic because it seems to be all at once.
Our oldest is now 7 and every day I can feel him pulling away, asserting (forcefully at times) his own autonomy. Our 4 year old has become less destructive and more endearing. And the youngest well… in no longer a baby.
While this pains my heart I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have found pregnancy and breast feeding a painful and tolling experience on my body. I have found the hypervillegance and reputation of toddlerdom anxiety producing and exhausting. But with my son I see the ability to have a relationship that isn’t solely focused on the child 100% of the time. Where there are pieces of my that can shine through because their if finally the space for me to breath and be me.
I have found the past 7 years to be both beautiful and mind numbing. And while I had never thought I would have kids, I know that I am a much better person for it. I have grown into the woman I am now because I am a mother. I love the world in the way that I do because I am a mother.
I guess what I am saying here to all the moms is that your doing a great job. And to all the friends, grandmas, and aunties you are doing a great job too, because we couldn’t do it without you. Just authentically parent your children in a way that feels right to you. That is all that matters.