A Letter To My First Born

To the child that made me a mother,

I was resigned to not write a blog post this week. I am exhausted after a long month, after a long season, after a long year. But it’s your birthday and with my heart full of love my fingers will not rest.

As I browsed the aisles of our grocery store last night buying the ingredients to make your birthday cake, My eyes filled with tears. 7 years. How has seven years passed? How have you perpetually made me a better person? How have you given me unconditional love even at my worst? How have you constantly forgiven me my flaws, and allowed me to try again the next day? How is it that you are the best and worst parts of me and your father? How is it that you are constantly growing and changing and in love with the world? How is it that you so easily share that world with me?

From the moment I knew of your existence, I have struggled to be the version of a person you need me to be. I have fought so many parts of myself in order to be there for you. I have advocated for you. Fought for you and with you. I have painfully watched the world become more real for you as your awareness expands beyond the realm of our family and extends to the world at large. The constant struggle being what are you ready for, and what to shelter you from.

I know that it is not easy having me for a mother. I know that I can be to hard. I know that my expectations are high. I know that I ask you to be the best version of yourself. And I know that you constantly rise to the occasion, constantly rewrite the narrative of what you can and can’t do.

Being the first born child is a heavy burden. I see you trailblazing on behalf of our family. You are steering the ship and setting the course for all of us. I see you taking charge, being considerate, doing your chores, thinking of the needs of others, and making space for your younger sisters. I see where it could be easy to put so much on you and know that I am actively trying to avoid that. I am trying to preserve your childhood.

Thank you for teaching me to be a mother. Thank you for being patient and kind with me. Thank you for loving me and all my flaws. Thank you for being my teacher. Thank you for opening up parts of myself that seemingly were conceived with you. Thank you for making me a mother.

I promise to keep trying my best. I promise to acknowledge when I have failed you. I promise to apologize and have conversations with you about it. I promise to listen to you, and hear you. I promise to give you all the opportunities I am able to. I promise to help you grow and learn, and also let you follow your own passions. I promise to always love you.

Mamasan

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