I happen to be having a hard time right now. Have you ever had an experience that no matter what you do it’s not enough. That you are not necessarily in control of your life, rather it is a series of events happening to you. That despite your commitment to growth and development, and your perpetual striving for both, it all seems moot.
My life has never been an easy one. And I have often relished in my challenges as they have caused me to dig in my heels and give everything to my last ounce. And that has served me for a long time, kept me safe, if not even prosperous. But now in my 30s I get diagnoses like fatigue and exhaustion. That I am stuck in a perpetual state of fight or flight. That my etheric is receding into my body. That the exact drive which has brought me safely to this point in my life is currently my own demise.
That paired with perpetual social strife, and lack of commitment from others to see me through these hard times has lead me to a new place.
I carry this image of a towel being run out to dry. I am the towel I feel like the last few drops have been wrung out of me. That I have no more left to give. It is a humbling and vulnerable place to be. I the doer of things, have not the energy to do the things anymore.
This had lead me to a place of deep sadness. I think there is something romantic to the notion of being sad. People are no longer sad. They suffer from depression or a litany of other ailments. But I am not those things, I am just sad. I have spent a life feeling angry and self-righteous and anxious, all of that has melted away and at its underbelly it is nothing more than sadness.
And I believe it is OK to be sad. That in this new place of sadness I will better get to know myself. I feel no shame or guilt for being in the place I am, rather that my life has brought me to this place and it is my responsibility to see what comes after this. Not to medicate or numb this experience. Not to write it off as unworthy of my time, or an inconvenience to the life I am trying to live.
There are things that I can identify as contributing factors. Having three small children so close in age, moving said growing family once a year for the past five years, living and working in the same place, the putting down of my professional career that I was passionate about to raise my family, the high turn over rate in my working life, all of these things are big ticket items in my present circumstance. I am sure that there are hundreds of small things, be it from my past or be it from my present that have contributed and I am not able to put a name to them. Things that are just every day life that whether or not we acknowledge it are draining to our life forces.
I think there is some lesson to learn from all this. How does one live a sustainable life? How do I live a sustainable life? What are the practices I need to put into place if I want to be doing this long term. What will feed and nurture me? How do I free my anxieties so I can better live into the present? Plus so many more things I have yet to even begin to understand. So yeah, right now I am not OK, but it is OK because I am going to be OK in the end. I have a roof over my head, all the food I need and then some, and a loving family (plus a few other people kicking around).