Having to maintain little girl hair is by far the worst responsibility I have ever had in my life (this is clearly a vast exaggeration).
My daughters were not blessed with my husbands’ lush curly locks, rather they were gifted with my limp fine hair. All I can say is thank god they got my blue eyes and cute button nose. However, toddler’s hair is like 15 different lengths which makes it pretty much impossible to style in any way. Well, that’s not true I can get her hair into a ponytail. Do you know what she is super good at? Taking out ponytails. One day I just kept putting it back up to see what would happen, and I did it seventeen times before lunch and then I gave up. Bested once again by a two-year-old.
Even though I brush her hair every morning and evening when we brush her teeth she still somehow manages to get these horrific knots in it that a brush can’t even touch. Because whenever there’s a knot in her hair it instantly becomes a full-contact sport to try to brush her hair. Who even has the capacity to give a child a full bear hug and brush their hair while cooking dinner, changing a baby’s diaper, and debating why you can’t pee on people all at the same time.
So I’ve decided that if she’s going to get these epic knots despite the fact that I brush her hair twice a day that I should learn how to do hair. Because I didn’t have girlfriends growing up, I was friends with dudes. And dudes (or at least my friends) do not sit around on the weekend doing each other’s hair.
So I turn to YouTube like every other self-respecting mother trying to figure out something new. I looked up “how to do your daughter’s hair”. Every single video started out as “don’t worry dad you can do your daughter’s hair to”. So I’m left to wonder did I miss the mothering class on how to do a small child’s hair? Or had I taken a Lamaze class would they have slipped this into the curriculum? Regardless here I am watching YouTube videos designed for fathers, promising that it is ridiculously easy to do your daughter’s hair. So I am feeling pretty confident, like “Psshh I got this.” Well, guess what I don’t.
First off there are apparently 20 different kinds of combs and brushes beside the one I have been using for the past ten years. Mine doesn’t cut it. So I am bumbling along with my to big brush and this hair that is all these different lengths and even though I have wetted it there are these wispy things everywhere. And even though I am holding of for-dear life, I can not grasp her hair. I know for a fact her hair is not covered in butter, but I would take an oath in a courtroom and tell you it was because there is literally no other explanation for why it is this slippery.
You pair all of this with the fact that we are asking a two-year-old to sit still. So I am now a sweaty mess, and I have made every threat and bribe in the book, and 10ish minutes later we have completed two “princess braids”, the only thing I am allowed to do to her hair. Which is basically just two French braids that one of my friends cunningly named to get her to agree to one day. When she did them they looked elegant and sleek. When I do that it looks like her head got wrapped up in an alley cat fighting with a floating plastic bag. The worst part about all of this is, the youngest doesn’t even have any hair yet. So soon I will have the distinct honor of doing this emotionally strenuous task twice a day. And so we end up back where we started which is:
Having to maintain little girl hair is by far the worst responsibility I have ever had in my life (this is clearly not a vast exaggeration)